The transition begins…… Today is the day I let him go…. No more will he hurt, betray, lie, scare, abuse, anger, use or humiliate me, no more will he cause me the heartache i do NOT deserve. Today he becomes just another man from my past. Today I free myself of a lifetime of eternal false hoping that I imposed onto myself.
Let me tell you a little more about the above mentioned AF man that i am determined to release myself from. He is number two, I am sure you will have read earlier in my Blog about the Unlucky Number Of Seven Engagements and so they all have numbers and some may have nicknames too. So back to AF who like I said was number two and DR’s Father too.
We met when we were in school, Std 6 to be exact, the meeting was done on purpose by him but was one a Girl like me could never forget. He was a few years younger and alot shorter than me which was not good for a girl with my status. We were inseparable for two years, he walked me home practically every day, carried my books, wrote me love letters, phoned me on a regular basis but I never really took any notice, it was a silly crush as far as I was concerned. Then I went away to college for three years and we lost touch. We moved on with our lives and went our separate ways, i got engaged to WA within those three years and it all fell apart during that period too.
Then one fine spring evening, AF and I bumped into one another again and it was like a flash of lightning striking us, the only problem was he was involved with HA whom i didn’t know but got to know…. Long story short, he left her for me and we got engaged after only three months of official dating. Life was a dream, i was in my element, could not have asked for any more happiness than i had. I went through verbal and emotional abuse but I stayed and then I thought I was pregnant…. I made an appointment for a test and on the same day AF got a call from HA to say that she was pregnant, turns out mine was a false alarm and then my dream life fell apart because HA was pregnant with BA, so he left me, married HA and they had BA… What a gorgeous little bundle of joy she was. I got involved and engaged to number 3. He left me after a few years and i met and got engaged to GA (number 4) whom i lived with and whom became “Best Friends”with AF.
AF and HA started to have marital problems and things went pear-shaped, GA cheated on me with some random woman. So payback, AF and I got ourselves involved in an affair, he filed for divorce and I managed to get myself right in the middle of their divorce and destroyed my own engagement with GA because i had this idiotic false hope about AF and myself being together. GA and I lost our flat and got forced into an unavoidable decision of moving in with AF, IA and her son, all in separate rooms obviously. Things worked for a while but GA knew there was something brewing, he was right, even though I knew he still loved me and wanted me back in his life, i continued to have hope for AF and myself, in a moment of weakness and being alone with AF, we landed up under the covers once again. GA caught us. I was shattered because i later found out i was just a pillar to lean on while AF and his new girlfriend fought…. How stupid am i you ask? Very, as you will read!!!
We all moved on, IA, GA and I moved into a flat together. Life was back to normal working, partying and living my life. I dated someone else for a while even though GA did not approve. Then one lovely winters morning i came home to realise that IA and GA had done the deed in a moment of their own weakness. Now keep in mind that IA was my Soul-mate in female form, my BEST friend, confidant, you name it….. So i was distraught, completely and utterly…. I moved out and moved on with my life.
I met AM (number 5) and unofficially engaged, fell pregnant, lost the baby, got beaten up, moved to Table View, got robbed, met My Soul-mate and Best Friend SA who saved me from doom. I moved in with SA, began to heal and become human again. I found happiness without any strings attached. SA made my life new again, he built me up to be strong and to face the world. We did everything together and never once crossed the line of our fabulous friendship. Two years down the line i met and fell head over hills in-love with NA, we too got engaged but did not work out. AF came to my rescue, he swept me away from the poison ivy of a life i was once again creating for myself. And so it all started again….
We played the dangerous games of cat and mouse, we experimented, we partied and we played some more. Then came child number two and marriage number two for AF. I once again moved on……by now i am starting to realise I have wasted alot of my life on false hope but I do still hope.
I worked, partied, played and met WB. Five years of being happy, five years of my final and true love. Five years of sharing, love, family and betrayal…once again. WB and i also got engaged but did not work… he was my number 7, my final attempt to be happily married…. But once again AF and i found one another, this time, i went looking for him. He was still married but there were problems and the vicious circle started again, we got involved and six months down the line, i fell pregnant with PB.
I must tell you that this is the start of my realisation of how False my hopes really have been for all these years. To put it in the shortest terms possible… 8 months into my pregnancy, AF still married started an affair with IA, it lasted about a year but did not work. I lost my Best Friend, My soul-mate, i lost faith in love and three years down that line, i have realised what a fool I really am because after pouring my heart out, confiding in AF 100%, i find out he is in another relationship with one of my friends again!!
So 22 years of Heartache come to an end Today!! I have woken up and realised that my life is worth more than you AF….. I have realised that you and I were NEVER going to have the Dream life we once shared . I have realised that you AF are the pathetic looser for letting an Endangered Angel like me slip through your fingers so many times. Finally I am able to break free of your claws, NOW maybe I can actually be ALIVE!!!
Love and Light
(This was written sometime last year but has been edited and changed due to change over in web hosting companies so the date does not correspond with the timing)